“Where would we be without tequila and James Blunt?” (Post 14.0: Appreciation of the Little Things)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

Sarcasm and writing, for me, go hand in hand, so when a friend suggested that I lighten up this blog by posting a happy, grateful, appreciation post, I thought: why don’t you go fuck yourself?

“It’s technically not prostitution.” (Post 13.0: How To Avoid Needing A Sugardaddy)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

Picture this: it’s a normal Sunday afternoon, Santander just emailed you your weekly bank balance; you’re in the red, and when I say “red”, I mean you’re -£1200 and rent comes out tomorrow. You’re pretty much fucked.

“No likey, no swipey.” (Post 12.0: Tinderella: From ‘Slags’ to ‘Bitches’)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

It’s the 21st century and we’ve seen everything from 10-stone testicles to Donald Trump becoming the President, both scrotum-related issues, so why are people still ashamed to admit they have Tinder?

I, for one, am a proud Tinderer. I also support equal rights and sponsor a Guide dog. Fucking sue me.

We live in a world where it’s legal to marry your own cousin. No one bats an eyelash when you get your vagina decorated with glue and glitter. If you’re a fan of Pitbull, you’re not publicly shunned (even though you probably should be), yet being a member of this specific dating app receives a “plague-like” reaction.

“#ICannotSurviveWithoutWifi” (Post 11.0: Life In The Stone Age)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

I’ve been without Wi-Fi for… what is it now… a fortnight?!?! Two whole, entire, devastatingly long-ass weeks. In these erstwhile weeks, I’ve faced challenge after challenge; Facebook wouldn’t load, Insta was unavailable, heck, even ITV Player wasn’t having it.

Wi-Fi not only stopped me from communicating with the outside world and its inhabitants, it also prevented me from catching up on Love Island.

“I could never get mortal with my Grandma.” (Post 10.0: Finding Your Summer Purpose)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

I’m at the point in my summer break where I’m on a downwards spiral to eating myself into a food coma, killing off my braincells with mind numbing television, and living on the Land of the Broke with the ‘Online Shopping Receipts of Doom’.

To cut it short: I’m without a purpose.

“The concrete jungle was bright and shiny; I was a magpie.” (Post 9.0: The Quest for A Churro)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

NEWSFLASH: My blog has gone international. Yes, that’s right… I’ve been “star spotted”. We all knew it would happen, we did. It was just a matter of time.

What can I say? Good things happen to those who wait, or trips to the Big Apple happen to those with parents who can’t leave their kids alone, together, whilst they jetset.

If you follow me – on Instagram, or in a Rain Mac with a pair of binoculars – you probably know I’ve recently visited New York City: the land of coyffee, fourth floors (shoutout to my linguists), and where dreams go to die flourish.

I’ve always wanted to travel the 3,300 miles from my home in the North of England (it’s a small island off the coast of Leeds, the festival place, yes, but without the water bit and the pirates) to NYC… maybe even more than my dream to become the first female to say ‘fuck the patriarchy’. Wait, that’s been done? Already? Dang it. Women and their awesomeness, pfft.

“First year? Completed it, mate.” (Post 8.0: An Annual Recap)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

‘And so, with the leaves dancing in the breeze and flower petals blossoming, students all over the land threw caution to the wind and let go of their worries… as if they didn’t have to return to sleep deprivation, economic instability, and one too many tequila shots the following September. All was bliss.’

Is that not the best – most reminiscent with a hint of kick-ass – ending to a Bildungsroman (German for ‘coming-of-age’) novel ever? Like come ON, gimme some credit, guys!

I’ve not posted in a while, due to exams and other part of my life getting in the way. HA! In all honestness, I’ve been a tad busy; life for myself, at the moment, is a bit hectic. BUT, with exam season finished and the journey back home completed, I am all yours, interweb. You’re welcome.

To put it simply: I am back. Back again. Jen is back. Tell a friend.

“Monica Geller is my lobster.” (Post 7.0: Bucket List of a First Year)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

Now that exam season has begun – and students are in the midst of preparing to leave “Uni life” (and hibernate back home with free meals, television, and their own Wetherspoons) – the time has come to reflect on the past academic year.

“IDK how Mars raise children but I don’t like it.” (Post 6.0: To Retail or Not To Retail)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

As you may all know by now (or have gathered using intelligible skills, or the good ol’ method of stalking)… I work in retail. Yes, hold the applause. *tumbleweed rolls by* For I, am a glorified ‘Sales Advisor’.

I’m a full time student and, thus, need a steady source of income in order to support my wild life of Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll.*

*This is code for a rather unhealthy candle obsession (some might say I’m always ready for a night of passion…), Lemsips and a 50% off Student Spotify subscription.

And my parents ask me what I spend my wages on…

“You Southerners are like bloody hobbits.” (Post 5.0: From Reheatables to Ramsay)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

I learned something rather spectacular today. This thing is something I feel has made me into a more rounded person, made me more prepared for life in the future, for adulthood. It’s a moment I’ll never forget, never want to forget.

It’s pretty special, so don’t go spreading it around to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, you ready?

You can microwave baked beans.