Food for thought #18 (“New Year, Slightly Improved Me”: My Five Commandments of 2021)

New Year’s resolutions can get tae fuck.

Let’s be honest, January should just be a total write-off, a test-run, the month that’s eligible for a refund (no receipt needed!).

CUT TO December 31st 2020. Time: 23:59. Song queued on Spotify: Auld Lang Syne.

The clock strikes midnight and, like Cinderella legging it from the ball, we swear to ourselves that we’ll work out more or cut down the calories or, heck, make positive affirmations part of our New Year routine. We endeavor to work harder and save more, work less and play more, work x and do y.

We even sign up for “Dry January”… until it’s January 7th and you’re in Lockdown 3.0 and the only fun thing to do is toast the New Day with a Buck’s Fizz and some eggy bread.

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‘Hey, at least we’re getting a New Year!’, some people say (albeit believers in an alien apocalypse!). HOWEVER, I suppose there is some truth to this comment: we are lucky! After the 2020 we had, we’re incredibly lucky to be standing. To be alive. To have not had our faith, our spirit, our life, extinguished by Covid-19.

This blog post isn’t intended to dwell on the year we’ve had– a year of incredible hardship and sorrow– more so to celebrate the promises of the New Year; this, unfortunately, can’t be done without at least an acknowledgement, a tilting of the cap, to 2020.

SO, with that borne in mind…

New Year’s resolutions are so last year!

Instead, I’m doing New Year’s commandments because ya gal needs to get herself into some sort of routine and command some order. Continue reading for My Five Commandments of 2021.

Topics include, but are not limited to: anxiety sweats, indulging oneself, FoodTok, and Things to be Mindful About.

Food for thought #16 (When, if ever, are you too old to “get your spook on”?)

Halloween: the only time of the year when it’s acceptable for women to throw on some cat ears and be a Fierce Pussy™.

Halloween. Hallows’ Eve. The Witching Month. Spooky Season. There are many different names for it, but all serve the same purpose: describing the BEST night of the year.

Yes, that’s right: your birthday and Christmas do not win the titular Day of the Year. As far as days go, they’re OK– good days, great even– but no day will ever compare to the one that grants children the chance to egg their neighbours’ houses scot-free and do the one thing your mum told you never to do: take candy from strangers.

Topics include, but are not limited to: Satan’s hooves, pumpkin patches, Sexy Kittens, and Nessa Shanessa Jenkins.

Food for thought #11 (My Quest to Become A Quarantine Queen)

DISCLAIMER: I, like most of the world’s population, have been in quarantine for over two months and, with the newfound ability to see the light shining at the end of the metaphorical tunnel, thought it would be therapeutic (read: entertaining) to recap my time spent quarantining. Similar to my most recent posts written about Covid-19, this post is not intended to offend, or undermine the gravity of the pandemic; it is merely intended to make people laugh a little (or a lot) and, if I’m lucky, get a book deal. My love and thoughts go out to anyone affected by Covid-19. Enjoy and stay safe!

Food for thought #10 (“Social distancing”: an excuse to work on your “dating app chat”)

DISCLAIMER: Social distancing is incredibly serious and we should all follow the guidelines set by our government in order to help support health services and try to put an end to Covid-19. This post is intended as light humour and, quite frankly, written to take the piss out of the often banal, pathetic, and almost cringe-worthy messages received on dating apps. Enjoy and stay safe!

Food for thought #9 (Stockpiling toilet roll makes you a bad person. Discuss.)

DISCLAIMER: This is not a blog post about Coronavirus, I repeat, this is not a blog post about Coronavirus. It’s a blog post about the carelessness, irrationality and, quite frankly, insufferable stupidity of some people. Not meant to offend, just to make you laugh. Enjoy and stay safe!

Food for thought #8 (What does your “number” say about you?)

With the return of ITV’s Love Island and Netflix’s Sex Education, the fixation on people’s sexual history is more magnified than ever. In modern dating, it’s not uncommon to be asked the “dreaded” question in the first conversation with a new suitor: How many people have you slept with?

Food for thought #7 (Ghosting someone is weak)

Dating in the 21st century is tough. Long gone are the days when you’d have meet cutes with attractive strangers in the middle of supermarkets, or fall victim to huge romantic gestures while on your lunch break (not that I’ve ever been subject to either but a gal can dream). However, dating at university is even tougher.

Mediated through dating apps, social media, and unavoidably intertwined social circles, it’s quite often you find yourself going out with someone that your best friend’s coursemate’s cousin’s friend went out with back in second year. Everyone knows everyone and it’s pretty rare that you find someone without an Instagram or Tinder profile.

In university, not having a social media presence is like the plague: you’ll be shunned faster than you can say “I used to have MSN”.

Food for thought #6 (Saying you’re “not into politics” is not cool)

In our current political climate, it’s close to impossible to go a day without someone mentioning the T or B words – no, not the cusses your teachers told you off for using when you were younger, but the names of the men who have been voted into two of the biggest chairs in the world.

I know that, in my university at least, political debates have become more commonplace than the typical Is-it-dinner-or-tea? debate that so often infiltrates everyday conversations. And, despite my enjoyment talking about any sort of food, I can’t help but prick my ears when I hear anyone ask the dreaded question: What’s happened today in the world of politics?

Bloody hell, we’re only in the first week of the new year and there’s already been talk of WW3.

In my opinion, there’s absolutely zero excuse for being unaware, or just plain clueless, about simple things like what party are in power in the country you live in and what their general policies are (i.e., do they support those in poverty, in the LGBTQ community, the war?). This is basic information that you should know without having to google it.

Food for thought #5 (How to be single: making the most of being alone, not lonely)

I’ve never been one to have parents that, when back home for an occasional weekend or a holiday break from university, ask me whether I’ve found the person of my dreams. The one. It’s just not a thing that we do; the constant hounding about partners, significant others, “unlucky bachelors/ettes” that I’ve managed to ensnare with my quick wit and awkward ability to trip over flat ground.

My parents and I have an agreement: if there’s anything interesting to tell them, I’ll tell them, and that includes any interesting (read: worth writing home about) people that I meet while living many miles away from home.

Food for thought #4 (Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing)

I used to hate being vulnerable, I used to bloody hate it.

Most people hate being vulnerable – they’re scared of it. It’s because we’re conditioned to think that being vulnerable is synonymous with being weak – notice how I say ‘conditioned’. You see, most of us aren’t raised by our parents with the opinion that vulnerability is weakness, that vulnerability deserves being laughed at or frowned upon or, even worse, ignored. No, my parents encouraged being vulnerable; they wanted me to feel comfortable exposing myself (*my emotions and feelings, don’t worry, nothing “weird”) to others and feeling at ease when talking about how I felt.

My sister and I were lucky that we didn’t have parents who shushed us when we spoke of obstacles or bad days. They encouraged us to find success through our vulnerabilities and that was good.