Food for thought #19 (V-Day for Dummies)

Valentine’s Day: you can’t avoid it. Wherever you go— to your local supermarket or favourite coffee shop or, heck, even to the Uber eats website— you’re bombarded with love hearts, frills, and 2-for-1 offers.

I’ll leave the frills, thanks… but, by all means, give me the RUBBEDRAW4VDAY discount for Lovehoney.

If, like me, you’ve spent most of your Valentine’s Days replacing the V for G(etting hammered with your pals and ending the night with a hot bath and a trusty wank over McDreamy), you’re probably familiar with the concept of “bros before hoes”. Chicks before dicks. Fannies before mannies. And, my all-time favourite, thongs before dongs.

Yes, well-spotted: each of these expressions is referring to Girl Code, as in, the unspoken “code” between women that your friends come before any possible suitor (men having something similar called Bro Code that involves regularly trying to touch one another’s crotches but never sharing the same bed at a sleepover…very strange).

Affiliated with Girl Code is Galentine’s Day (and it’s gender-neutral term Palentine’s Day), a fairly new concept, heralded by the single pringles in spite of those who are already mid-mingle. Mingle, what an awful word. Whoever woke up one day and decided that “mingle” would become synonymous for “I’m ready to be penetrated”?! Awful, just plain awful.

Anyway, for someone who has proudly donned the Galentine’s Day sash for many, many moons, I’m vaguely aware that, this year, I must exchange my glorious sash for a new and shiny badge… an “I’m in a relationship and must, therefore, play along with this unimaginative, consumer-driven and totally arbitrary, manipulative and shallow tradition that contributes to capitalist gain” badge. Otherwise known as “Sorry, gals, I’m busy”.

Fortunately, I don’t feel as guilty* about doing this as I probably would’ve been, had the government rules allowed us to do anything but staying in and ordering a takeout (albeit with candles and a nice dessert afterwards!).

National lockdown, as frustrating (and necessary!) as it is, means that I can switch the single sash for the “I have a boyfriend” badge and pick my partner over my pals without so much as a “we’ll do the Zoom quiz next week— promise!”.

*One shouldn’t feel guilty for putting their relationship before their friendships, at least not all the time, I’ve just never been one of “those girls” #PerpetuallySingleByChoice

SO, with this new concept of February 14th in mind, I set out to educate myself on what “typical couples” do on the Day of Love.

Romantic™ bike rides along the canal, then a couple’s pottery class followed by eating spaghetti Lady & The Tramp style at a fancy-schmancy restaurant, before ending the night bathing in rose petals and watching Casablanca on Amazon Prime?

Sorry, babe, not for me.

…

Well, maybe the bath.

…

Actually, scrap that, how about you just deliver the pasta to me in the bath and make yourself scarce? You can choose what film we watch tonight?

…

See.

Compromise.

SO, if, like me, 2020 was the year of a personality transplant and you suddenly find yourself in a relationship or you can’t quite shake your holidate or, heck, you’re popping your glorious sash-donning cherry, this blog post is for you!

Topics include, but are not limited to: McDreamy, good vibes, V-day pie charts, and Things that Make Me Moist.

Food for thought #18 (“New Year, Slightly Improved Me”: My Five Commandments of 2021)

New Year’s resolutions can get tae fuck.

Let’s be honest, January should just be a total write-off, a test-run, the month that’s eligible for a refund (no receipt needed!).

CUT TO December 31st 2020. Time: 23:59. Song queued on Spotify: Auld Lang Syne.

The clock strikes midnight and, like Cinderella legging it from the ball, we swear to ourselves that we’ll work out more or cut down the calories or, heck, make positive affirmations part of our New Year routine. We endeavor to work harder and save more, work less and play more, work x and do y.

We even sign up for “Dry January”… until it’s January 7th and you’re in Lockdown 3.0 and the only fun thing to do is toast the New Day with a Buck’s Fizz and some eggy bread.

• 

• 

‘Hey, at least we’re getting a New Year!’, some people say (albeit believers in an alien apocalypse!). HOWEVER, I suppose there is some truth to this comment: we are lucky! After the 2020 we had, we’re incredibly lucky to be standing. To be alive. To have not had our faith, our spirit, our life, extinguished by Covid-19.

This blog post isn’t intended to dwell on the year we’ve had– a year of incredible hardship and sorrow– more so to celebrate the promises of the New Year; this, unfortunately, can’t be done without at least an acknowledgement, a tilting of the cap, to 2020.

SO, with that borne in mind…

New Year’s resolutions are so last year!

Instead, I’m doing New Year’s commandments because ya gal needs to get herself into some sort of routine and command some order. Continue reading for My Five Commandments of 2021.

Topics include, but are not limited to: anxiety sweats, indulging oneself, FoodTok, and Things to be Mindful About.

Food for thought #14 (Having plans is exhausting)

POST-QUARANTINE. People, emerging from their socially-distanced bubbles of loungewear and “Zoom fatigue”. Shops, getting busier. Pubs, heavenly visions. Facemasks, controversial.

Narrator: Welcome to August 2020.

Food for thought #12 (The misconceptions of bisexuality: what not to say to bisexuals)

Lydia Ortiz, Sexual Identity 3

June is the month of pride, of LGBT pride, of gay rights. This month was chosen to celebrate pride as it was the month of the Stonewall riots, which were the protests that occurred in New York City’s Greenwich Village in 1969 and have changed gay rights in America (and across the world) ever since.

Pride month is about celebrating love, educating people on pride history and continuing to move forward in equality and the human rights movement.

It calls for people to discuss homophobia, transphobia and intersectionality, and for them to remember and reflect on how damaging these prejudices were and continue to be to this day.

As a cis-gendered, femme-presenting, bisexual woman, being part of the LGBT community is a part of me, albeit not all of me (yes, surprising as it may be, I am more than my gender and sexuality). Being part of the LGBT community is no longer the equivalent of wearing a target on your back* or a badge that says “I’m queer” (although, sometimes, we do do that). Being part of the LGBT community– or being an ally– is about coming together, about love and friendship, about progress.

*Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that we live in a society that is entirely devoid of prejudice or violence against people in the LGBT community. We have, however, made incredible progress toward a society that is safer and more accepting toward people of different gender and sexual identities (and the future is only looking up!).

That being said, this blog post aims to set straight *ba dum tss* some of the misconceptions about a community whose LGBT membership is often questioned and contended: bisexuals.

Fret not, bi-erasure is a myth; we are still here (and equally queer).

I mean, c’mon, we have a bloody initial in the acronym!!!! Lesbian. Gay. B-something. Transgender… surely, B doesn’t stand for bachelors or bibliographers or baccivorous birds, surely. Most importantly, sexuality is a spectrum and people are allowed to identify however they want– that’s a basic human right. Similarly, bisexuals are not “going through a phase” or “being greedy” or “dying for a threesome with you and your girlfriend”. Give us the recognition we deserve, puh-lease!

Continue reading for the “dos and don’ts” of what to say to people who identify as bisexual.

Food for thought #11 (My Quest to Become A Quarantine Queen)

DISCLAIMER: I, like most of the world’s population, have been in quarantine for over two months and, with the newfound ability to see the light shining at the end of the metaphorical tunnel, thought it would be therapeutic (read: entertaining) to recap my time spent quarantining. Similar to my most recent posts written about Covid-19, this post is not intended to offend, or undermine the gravity of the pandemic; it is merely intended to make people laugh a little (or a lot) and, if I’m lucky, get a book deal. My love and thoughts go out to anyone affected by Covid-19. Enjoy and stay safe!

Food for thought #6 (Saying you’re “not into politics” is not cool)

In our current political climate, it’s close to impossible to go a day without someone mentioning the T or B words – no, not the cusses your teachers told you off for using when you were younger, but the names of the men who have been voted into two of the biggest chairs in the world.

I know that, in my university at least, political debates have become more commonplace than the typical Is-it-dinner-or-tea? debate that so often infiltrates everyday conversations. And, despite my enjoyment talking about any sort of food, I can’t help but prick my ears when I hear anyone ask the dreaded question: What’s happened today in the world of politics?

Bloody hell, we’re only in the first week of the new year and there’s already been talk of WW3.

In my opinion, there’s absolutely zero excuse for being unaware, or just plain clueless, about simple things like what party are in power in the country you live in and what their general policies are (i.e., do they support those in poverty, in the LGBTQ community, the war?). This is basic information that you should know without having to google it.

Food for thought #1 (Motivation sucks balls)

Motivation sucks balls. Like, really sucks.

Trying to find motivation – the motivation to do reading for a class you don’t like, to reply to emails you’ve had sitting in your inbox for nearly a week, to even wash your hair – is exhausting.

“It’s technically not prostitution.” (Post 13.0: How To Avoid Needing A Sugardaddy)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

Picture this: it’s a normal Sunday afternoon, Santander just emailed you your weekly bank balance; you’re in the red, and when I say “red”, I mean you’re -£1200 and rent comes out tomorrow. You’re pretty much fucked.

“Cyclists are dickheads.” (Post 4.0: A Letter to a Fresher)

Dear whomever may be reading this,

The rules for being a student in Edinburgh are as follows:

1. Never, and I repeat never, wear shoes you can’t walk up a hill in, or over cobbles… cobbles are a bitch.
2. Bagpipes – get yourself on good-terms with them, quickly. Need I say more?
3. Always have a bobble on your wrist, or a hat in your bag, ‘cos it can get rather windy up here.
4. Like #3, literally staple your scarf to your clothes or it WILL blow over to Glasgow.
5. Cyclists are dickheads.
6. The Scottish accent may take some time getting attuned to, just keep at it.
7. You can, and will, be offered haggis at some point in the immediate future. #supposeddelicacy
8. The famous 10 o’clock booze run – known to all, hated by all, challenged by all.
9. Water tastes better from the taps here than anywhere else… idk how, it just does, OK?
10. Cyclists are still dickheads.

Above are just the top 10 rules for student life in the land of the Scots, or what should be the top 10 in my opinion, and there are many more. Trust me on this one.